Five years ago...
Posted on October 17 2020
Five years ago, I said yes to you for life. Then gradually, insidiously, my life began to fade away. The light inside me was fading away day by day. All my ideas, my wishes, my desires, my values, I no longer lived up to your expectations.
I wanted to change, so that you would love me. I wanted to be the one you wanted, but there was nothing I could do or say like you, no matter when you felt rage for no reason, it was me that everything exploded.
You threatened, hit, manipulated, isolated, controlled me. I was a bird chained to your cage.
But deep down inside, I knew.
I knew you wouldn't have the last word on me, I knew you couldn't control my thoughts. Sure, you controlled everything about me, but not my thoughts.
Many times I wanted to leave, but when you felt it you would come back with your legendary charm...the one I had fallen in love with, but in time I understood.
I understood that the one I fell in love with didn't exist. He was a part! The role you took every time you wanted to manipulate me, your family, a client, et cetera.
Gradually, I started to hate you, but I was hoping I was wrong. One day while looking for THE solution to our relationship I came across a video and I recognized you. Not physically, but in personality.
The video was about narcissistic perverts.
I cried for a long time, so much pain to realize that I could love you so much it was a lost cause.
Then one day you raised your hand on me again, but I promised myself that you would never touch me like that again. So that day became the official date for the end of our life together.
My hell was starting, going on.
You did everything you could to control me from a distance, to scare me, to make my life miserable. I swore to myself and this time I swore to my daughters that I would never go back.
You've totally messed up my love vision.
Two and a half years of fighting to get rid of this bond we call marriage.
Today I'm free of you. Yes, there are still the debts, which you refuse to pay and you refuse to declare bankruptcy despite your truly unimpeachable financial situation (professional opinion of an accountant) you persist in not paying and you persist in declaring yourself legally incapable of assuming them. Another unhealthy way of wanting to keep control over me.
But you know what else?
As much as you want to keep a connection...I don't care anymore.
Some people would say... right, you write a text and you talk about him!
No, my goal is simply to continue my journey of inner peace, to forgive me for my bad choices, you in this case and if this text can inspire another victim and mission accomplished.
Five years ago, preparations were in full swing, I was feverish, I was set for life.
Today, I am alone, because I became aware and needed to know myself.
I work on myself every day, to get closer to my goals, to who I am and you know what? While you have continued to deteriorate with your vices, I am building myself inside and building MY empire.
The one that I believed since I was a little girl that I could be with my future life partner. I do it alone and you know what? Contrary to what you always made me believe, I am capable of doing it alone.
Alone, because I will never again be dictated to, my behaviour, my thoughts, my company, my clothing, my personality.
Yes, some days I find solitude difficult, then I think back to YOUR cage and I say to myself: but what a long way I've come since then.
I have long resented love.
Then I wanted to isolate myself totally from the world, since in love, family and/or friendship you can be betrayed.
Yes, and today I have learned to accept being betrayed.
Some people surround us for the wrong reasons. Sometimes you see them coming, sometimes you don't.
And you know what else?
It doesn't matter.
Because the greatest joys, the real ones come with the disappointments.
But the ones that love you the most come with the confidence and freedom to let you grow and be who you are.
I am me, I am loved or hated...I would sleep the same on both ears.
And today I am happy because every dollar I take out to pay OUR debts frees me piece by piece from YOUR chains and one day they will disappear completely.
But I am no longer waiting to live.
I have the rage to live, the rage to be happy, the rage to be good, the rage to be true, the rage to be ME.
I'm Audrey :)